I’m in my car in the parking lot of Home Depot, George
Harrison on the radio, and I'm staring at the back of a package of Mylar numbers,
considering that a strange little accident may have led to me uncovering a
hidden agenda with the potential for world domination.
A couple of days ago my neighbor backed into my
mailbox. This was either a) an accident
as he claimed, or b) a purposeful act because he didn’t like it. Dutifully, he went out and bought me a new
one and offered his sincere (or contrived) apology. With the new mail box installed I went to
Home Depot to buy some new numbers.
I was thankful that my house number is simply 121 (this is a
foreshadowing of things to come) and that my neighborhood decided to not number
houses with thirty or forty numbers. That
always seemed awful damned contentious to me.
I could never understand long house numbers. It serves zero purpose other than what
appears a lame attempt at status.
But back to me sitting in the car. For some reason, I turned the package of
numbers over and read this. “This
package contains 32 total characters: 4 each of 1-2-3 & 0; 3 each of 4-5-7
& 8; 2 each of 6 & 9.” What the
hell is up with that disparity? Since
when have numbers been relegated to such classification? What, 6 is not as prominent as 1? This seems like an overt attempt to profile
numbers and to minimize some of these numbers directly out of existence.
 |
| Conspiracy? |
Since I pretend to be a writer, I thought I would pretend to
be a journalist and called the offending company. (A company whose zip is 45231, by the
way.) I talked to Len in customer
service.
“Len,” I said, “What’s up with the disparity of numbers in
your product?”
“I wasn’t aware of that,” he responded, “Let me look.” After a few keystrokes (he was either looking
at the product data or emailing the FBI my phone number) he said, “Not really
sure. I guess it is from their market
research.”
“Curious, don’t you think, Len?”
“I guess some numbers are used more than others,” he said.
Len drank the Kool-Aid.
But the scary thing is, if Len is right, and his company did
do market research, who is the cabal behind slowly eliminating numbers so that
businesses like Len’s eventually stop making certain numbers altogether? If the package of numbers I have is any
indication of the future, numbers will soon be: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 0. Then:
1, 2, 3, 0. Let your mind get around
that! (As I mentioned earlier, my house
number is 121. Accident? I think not.)
You may ask, “What would be the motive behind this?” It’s quite obvious this is an attempt to
bring about social discord and revolution.
Think of it in these terms. Your
telephone number has ten digits, and currently there are ten numbers, 0-9. Now, if you limit the available numbers to 1,
2, 3, and 0 the possible ten digit phone number combinations greatly
decrease. Are you ready to give up your
phone? Extrapolate that. Ready to give up your Social Security
Number? Grasp the hugeness of this
issue?
Am I wrong?
Maybe. But if I’m not, this may
be the last dispatch you will have from me.
I changed “Len’s” name out of courtesy, but if I disappear, his real
name is in the notebook on my bar. And
by the way, the company that made the Mylar numbers? Their phone number has six 0’s.
