Reporting, Recording and Relaying - But Always Telling It As I See It

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Hamsters and Hazards - A PSA from Dave Meyer

Recently, the Zhu Zhu Hamster nearly found itself added to the list of endangered animals. Seems as though the toy was thought to have had high amounts of antimony, and a consumer group thought that if a child accidentally started eating these toys like hamster McNuggets, we were on our way to a fate not unlike H1N1. After additional testing, the Zhu Zhu Hamster was spared.

However, the whole episode got me thinking about home safety. It also made me realize that our homes are patently unsafe, and yet there seems to be no scrambling to protect us from these glaring catastrophes that are lying in wait like lions in tall grass. As a public service this holiday (or for you old-schoolers, Christmas) season, I’d like to submit my own list of recalls.

1) Knives. We all have them in our home. They can kill and maim and yet not one official has found fault with their presence. Get rid of all knives in your house. (The TSA has deemed plastic knives safe, of course these are the same people who let me on a flight in New Orleans without a driver’s license or credit card and even extended me the courtesy of not having me go through the gate and had me use the side door. True story.)

2) Electricity. Our walls are coursing with it like blood. It is dangerous to anyone, especially given the fact that homes have upwards of 300 different AC adaptors for all of our electronic gadgets. Get off the grid and be safe.

3) Stairs. Any parent worth their salt has yelled more than once, “Stop playing on the stairs!” I want to take this one step further…stop using the stairs. Just stay the fuck off them, they are death traps.

4) Doors. If you haven’t had your finger slammed in one you are missing a real treat in watching your nail turn black. If you have kids you have no privacy anyway. Curtains make a fine substitute…of course they can be a choking/hanging hazard. On second thought…no curtains or doors.

Stoves (burns), sinks (scalds), bathtubs (drowning), refrigerators (not sure, but that was a popular hazard for a while), bed posts (toes), glassware (cuts)…and of course, flag poles (Christmas Story).

Get rid of it all and stay safe my friends!


Anonymous said...

WRT the inherent dangers involved in living in a house ....

1. KNIVES ... mitigate their dangerous nature by replacing each one w/ a knife holder. The "Ex" which is shaped like the man (or woman as the case may be) “who done you wrong” can ensure one's piece of mind not to mention a safety precaution should the real “Ex” suddenly make a surprise appearance - && all for $69.99.

2. ELECTRICITY... this one's easy .... don't pay your electric bill & they will eventually "turn out the lights" & then you can sit, stand or lie down in complete safety - albeit in the dark for some portion of one's day, yes?

3. STOVES ... again very easy ... don't pay your gas bill & again the gas company will gladly accommodate your need for safety by turning off your gas ... if you have an electric stove, #2 will double as providing for your safety wrt this #3 -- but I've been told by reliable sources, that only "stupid" people have electric stoves.

4. DOORS ... these really aren't all that dangerous, that is unless you let them hit you on your way out, capice?

&&& as for the rest… SINKS: just don't blow dry your hair while sitting in one & they pose no real danger; BATHTUBS: just wear your bathing suit & slather on plenty of sun screen & you will be safe from both the tub & the effects of global warming; REFRIGERATORS: crank them up so everything freezes - not sure this will make them safe, but you will be contributing to *undoing* some aspect of cooling the earth off or is it down *plus* it'll annoy the heck out of those who live w/ you; BEDPOSTS: they have only one use & if I have to tell you what that is, then you truly live a sheltered life & you need to live dangerously while living in your house and never going out of it, which is what one would conclude if this needs to be clarified for you; GLASSWARE: use plastic unless you’re extremely coordinated when you've overindulged - shards of glass are both painful & dangerous; also, & the ever present most dangerous .... THE_FLAG_POLE... no advice other than keep your tongue in your mouth unless you have a good reason to have it out & about, 'k?


PS My anonymity is now gone but this needed to be said … STAY away from bb guns … knowing you, you’ll no doubt shoot your eye out!!

Anonymous said...

So, you are basically telling me that the switch blade and the .44 Magnum on my microwave, which are easily accesible by my children, should not be stored there? What about my loaded .38 that I have stashed right next to my vibrator? I believe my vibrator is waterproof, so do you think I am okay?


Anonymous said...

MR -- LMAO !!

PS Why are U (2) writing 150% of the time?

Anonymous said...

'HF', 'MR', and 'F',,,,I am seriously LMFAO!!