Reporting, Recording and Relaying - But Always Telling It As I See It

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Important Facebook Updates! Please Read!

After the smashing success of the re-designed homepage, Mark Zucherberg and the Facebook brain trust plan to roll out the following changes in the very near future:

• They are switching to the Mayan calendar.

• Thought Translation Technology (or, ToTT): This will instantly post your thoughts about any particular update. Sample update: “John Doe…let’s plan on doing something great today!” TTT will automatically respond with your first thought: “Go fuck yourself” and post it as a comment.

• Google Search Post Generator (or, GeeSPoG): All of your Google searches will now be automatically posted to your wall. I beta tested this, and my wall post said: Dave Meyer just Google Image Searched “Sophia Vergara Nude.”

• Parental Cloaking (or, PreCk): This provides a faux page plug-in so when, as a parent, you view your child’s page, you see things like, “Your child likes Santa Clause.” Your heart warms while your kid just “friended” the little slut from the next development on his real page.

• Anti-Yum Engine (or, AYEn): This prevents forever the use of the word, “Yum!” Therefore, you will never, ever, be allowed to post something like, “Just finished the best chicken pot-pie! YUM!”

• Picture Reconciliation Drive (or, PRoD): This will block a user from posting 172 nearly identical pictures of their baby in a high chair with pureed carrots on their face. It will also limit any one photo album size to 3,000 pictures – especially vacation photo albums.

• Celebrity Reposter (or, CerP): Any user who posts a comment on a celebrity fan page thinking that said celebrity actually gives a shit will have their post displayed on all your friends’ pages. For instance, you may see: “Dave Meyer…You looked really great in last night’s premier. XOXOXOXO…on Sophia Vergara’s page.”

• Friend Confirming Engine (or, FeCE): The engine will require to prove you actually know someone before “friending” them by having you answer a few simple questions. The first question will be, “Do you even know this person?”

Of course these, like many Facebook updates always bring up the issue of privacy. I would respond by saying, “If you want privacy, stay off of Facebook.”

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