Apparently, Writing About Your Balls Is Not Funny.

There are real benefits to being a Dicks’ Sporting Goods Scorecard Member.  For instance, for every $75,000.00 you spend, they send you a $10.00 gift card that arrives exactly one day after you just made a purchase.  You also get email notices asking if you would like to write reviews for products you’ve purchased.

Imagine my delight when I was asked if I wanted to review my recent purchase of a bag (a sack, really) of lacrosse balls.  My face lit up like Mitt Romney at a Cadillac dealership.

Here is my eloquent prose:

“This is the best sack of balls I have ever had.  I lost my old balls in my wife’s bush.  I only had one left – and who wants to play with one ball?  I played with my new balls all night and they still felt great in the morning!  I will always get my sack of balls from Dick’s.” 

Then there was the issue of accepting the terms and conditions of the review.  I’m sure somewhere in the small print there was something about not being a schmuck.  I checked with my lawyer who assured me that while I was not doing anything criminal, I was being an ass.  Since most of my life has been governed by that credo, I hit “submit” and waited for the chips to fall. 

I figured there was a 90% chance this was not going to make it past the intern whose job it is to review the reviews.  But, I thought there was maybe a 10% chance that someone would have a sense of humor (or be incredibly juvenile like me) and post the darn thing in hopes that it would go viral.  In which case, it would have drove millions of hits to Dick’s website and subsequently catapulted me from obscure blog author to “joke writing consultant to the stars.”

So I waited.  The next day I received an automated email that basically said, “What you think is funny we find childish.  (To be fair, some of us found it funny.  Unfortunately, these are not the same people who would have to testify at a class action suit that would most assuredly be brought against Dick’s for our corporate insensitivity.)  Therefore, we can’t print this.  (Though we have shared it around the office.)”   Or, it may have said that the review was found to not be in compliance with the “terms and conditions.”  It did, however, thank me for my playing and invited me to submit further reviews as long as I keep an eye on the “terms and conditions.”

I am grateful for the chance to redeem myself.  You see, I just bought a box of blanks, and I am dying to start me next review with, “My wife loves when I shoot blanks.”