This is pretty much verbatim, less my snarky comments, of a phone conversation I had today with a Customer Service Rep.
CSR: Hello, may I have your name?
Me: David Meyer.
CSR: Thank you Mr. Mayor, and what is your email?
Me: D Meyer at RJ Meyer CO dot com.
CSR: OK…B Mayor @ RJ Mayor dot com.
Me: No, D, as in David, M-E-Y-E-R at RJMEYERCO.COM
CSR: M-A-Y-R –C-O dot com?
We finally get that straightened out
CSR: Right, and where are you from?
CSR: (most assuredly onscreen prompt) Ah yes, City of Bridges. And how can I help you?
Me: (Fictional Response) Well, seems as though Microsoft, power company that they are, has failed miserably in its ability to email me a simple link that actually works so that I can download this update that I already fucking paid for! This is the third 800 number that I have called, the last two of which were probably answered by the jackasses sitting right next to you. And another thing, why is at that EVERY time I get into a phone menu it starts with “Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.” I mean really? Changed from what? But anyway, please help me.
CSR: I am very sorry to hear about the trouble you are having.
Me: (Fictional Response) No, you are not sorry, and I am totally fine with that. So let’s cut through this bullshit and get to work.
INTERMISSION: We discuss the problem; the CSR does some pecking on the keyboard.
CSR: Ok Mr. Mayor, I am going to email you a link that will direct you to the download platform. (etc. etc.)
Me: That would be great.
CSR: Please check your spam and junk mail folders if you do not see it in five to ten minutes.
Me: (fictional response) I will, it should stick out amongst the emails for Viagra and Rolex’s.
After this, I was tempted to send this email to Bill Gates: “Dear Bill, First off, did your menu options really change? Second, I just wanted you to know that the Little Miss India was infinitely more helpful than the email from your company. I can get illicit photos of a topless housewife in Tempe with a quick Google search but can’t get a link in your email to recognize my order. Anyway, good luck with the Foundation. Sincerely, Dave Mayor.”