How Many Ways Can I Get In Touch With You?

I don’t have a smart phone; I have a phone that is too smart for its own good. If it’s true that there is a fine line between brilliance and insanity, my Blackberry is it. I fear that between texts, messaging, web browsing, actual old fashioned phone calls, some apps that I downloaded (Pandora, Jethro Tull Radio!), something called VZ Navigator and more folders than a doctor’s office and more icons that a Coen Brothers movie, I am only challenging this phone at about 10% of its insanely powerful capacity. I am pretty sure with the correct tweaking and keystrokes I could use it fiddle with the atomic clock.


Occasionally I randomly open folders to reveal an even greater number of widgets and gadgets I have no use for. I promptly hit the red phone button to escape literally and figuratively back to my home screen…where I feel safe.

But the other day, I was adding a number to my contacts. (Gotta have contacts, lots and lots of contacts! Is there anything more we love than contacts?) As many times I as have done this, this was the first time something really odd struck me. Did you ever look at the expanse of fields on the contact page? Not so briefly: Title, Name (first, last), Nickname (who the hell would ever really use this? Would you put in “Bob” for “Robert”, or “’limpdick” for your college roommate?), picture (if you are over thirteen and use this, 3 to 1 you also Twitter), Company, Job Title, Custom Ring Tones for this contact when they call or message you (I did call my buddy one time looking for him in a bar and heard the tune Sexy Motherfucker…), two each; email, work phone, home phone, mobile phone, a Pager Field (isn’t it easier to get a cassette player than a pager?), Work Fax, Home Fax, Other (OTHER! What the hell was left out? “Limpdick, I am just going to put your Social Security Number in ‘other’”), PIN (no shit…I think this is some sort of Blackberry code for their Instant Messenger app…but who the hell knows), Work Address, Home Address, Birthday, Anniversary (what anniversary, besides your own do you really need! Insanity!), a field that says “Categories” (I’m thinking: Good Guy, Whore, Drunk, that sort of thing), Web Page, then four fields that are labeled User 1 – 4 (is this a question? User? Fuck yeah she’s a user!), and lastly, Notes (likes tequila shots and lapdances from “pre-law” students).

Thirty-Three…that is the number of possible entries you could make for one person’s contact information! Recently, my wife told me she was thinking of getting rid of our land line…no one uses it. According to my Blackberry, not only do I need one home number, I actually need two. Who am I to argue with a phone that is smarter than me?