Sex Ed 2010, or, What I never Learned In Catholic School

Last Wednesday, I came home and asked my son how his test went. He said, “I got them all correct but I had a little trouble remembering the difference between uterus and urethra.”


See, last week was the much vaunted “Reproductive Health” course at school. After gladly signing the permission slip so the boys could learn the technical terms for the things they talk about on the bus anyway, I anticipated the week and some insightful, if not embarrassing conversation. From what I could tell they spent three class periods (pun definitely intended) studying, 1) the male reproductive system, 2) the female reproductive system and 3) the basics on how they worked together…or in the case of married men, how they theoretically worked together.

The conversations after school went like this.

Me: What did you learn about?
Them: Hormones…and a few other things.
Me: Yeah, like what?
Them: Pubic hair…and a few other things.

Where it went from there will remain between me and two twelve year olds.

During day three, they covered STD’s. Fine by me, who am I to get in the way of that (and is it true that if you get crabs and hold a mirror down there they all jump off because they think they are going to greener pastures? Or, was that just the line the hooker in Tijuana told me…I mean told me friend). Interestingly though, by law there was to be no discussion whatsoever of condoms or other forms of birth control…not even the pull and pray method; the favorite among college students everywhere. I mean if you are going to talk about sex and STD’s, well, haven’t you already gone there anyway? Good Lord, when the swine flu issue was playing out I longed for the good old days of duct tape and plastic for the next terror attack. Can you imagine the CDC stating, “This flu can be really bad, and golly we have some ways to help prevent it, but we are just not sure if the public is ready.”

My point is…what the fuck are we so afraid of? I’m pretty sure a little discussion about condoms is not going cause an uptick in stolen condoms among twelve year olds. How can we harm our kids by giving them information? It could have been done thusly, “Listen kids, one more thing. You guys may be a little young right now, but it may not be long before you are going to have to make some choices. The only 100% sure way of preventing STD’s is to refrain from sex. But if the time comes and you think this is something you want to engage in, you have to know how to protect yourself and the person you are with. You have to wear a condom or you and your partner risk getting really sick. When that time comes, there are resources available to you to help you make that decision. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing in the world.”

I know, there is the whole argument about how I should talk to my kids. Believe me, my wife and I do and will. If they can handle talk about erections, I’m pretty sure they can handle some discussion on condoms…or “rubbers” as I am sure they are called on the bus.