Private Parts and the Right To Marry

It’s not often I hear compliments from total strangers. In fact, I hear them about as often as the President hears, “Good news, the bill passed unanimously!” So, when I paid for my Diet Coke at the convenience store today, and the guy said, “You look great today,” I was so taken aback, I asked him to repeat himself. Suspiciously, he said, “You have a great day today.” Hmm. Maybe.


“Thanks,” I said, “you too.”

My wife told me this morning before I left that I looked nice, but I chalked that up to me sporting a golf shirt with her company’s logo on it. To be fair, they give out great golf shirts and I have three. I would have more but a few years ago they started to produce them cut more to a woman’s figure, so my wife cut me off from the cool graft. She used a really cool fashion word about the way it is sewn…it’s beyond me, but she is good with those words.

Nonetheless, the whole experience had me thinking about gay rights, or lack thereof, in this country. And for a straight guy, I spend an awful lot of time thinking about them. Actually, I spend that time thinking that it is insane that in 2010 we are still debating whether some people should have rights.

Here is a how a state determines if you will be allowed to marry, the most sacred of institutions. The lowest ranking government official comes from around the corner and does a quick crotch grab. If one penis and one vagina is present (one each per person of course) you are signed, sealed and delivered your marriage license. Actually, that is not how they do it. No one comes around the corner. If you look like a man and woman, that is usually good enough. Therefore, if you are standing around outside the courthouse and see someone (of the opposite sex) feel free to pop the question. The states will welcome you…for a small fee of course.

It gets fun when two people who love and care for each other and want to validate their union through marriage have that quirky flaw of each owning the same private part. The states can’t have that; it could lead to interior design madness.

I love watching people lose their mind over this issue. The fact remains; you don’t have to like it and you sure as hell don’t have to support it. Churches don’t have to endorse it, although a certain number are pretty damned adept at turning a blind eye toward other offenses. But hey, let’s not let a few cases of pedophilia get in the way of passing the collection basket.

If the states were actually as concerned as they claim about preserving the “sanctity” of marriage, you would undergo a full background check and be under video surveillance for a year before and five years after you were married. It’s bullshit. Politicians are worried about votes and heterosexuals against this are afraid they might catch something, when they are not running around making sure the sky is not falling.

Be not afraid. You could be the next one getting hit on in a convenience store. Or not.