What I Was Missing By Not Watching The Jersey Shore

“I was like, yo girl, its four o’clock, we gotta roll. We been here since midnight. That’s like five hours.” But isn’t that actually…never mind Ronnie, have some HGH.


Thank you, that’s my review of Jersey Shore. (But what fun is that!)

Here is a slightly longer recap. They (and by “they” I mean a group of over-everything twenty-somethings): get primped, go to a club, get drunk, make out with everyone (or if all else fails, each other), get into a fight/argument/altercation, walk home drunk, argue at the house. That seems to take about ten minutes of air time, at which point they reach the next day, and they do it all over again.

I like to think (pray) that the Jersey Shore was the most difficult show to cast. I have this fantasy that finding talent this obscenely stereotypical was akin to discovering D.B. Cooper alive and well living in Youngstown. I fear, however, that it was not. I fear that the casting director stood outside a random bar on the ocean in New Jersey and told his young intern, “Go inside and grab the first eight people you see.”

The question may arise, “Dave, what the hell are you doing watching, ‘Jersey Shore’?” An apt question it would be. Well, my wife had just returned from a business trip from hell (“the ten PM flight from Detroit to Pittsburgh? Yes, that actually leaves at two AM! Thanks, there is a water fountain down the concourse for your refreshment!”) so she was recovering from that and the kids were outside. I found myself flipping through the channels and, WHAMMO, I heard “Snookie” say, “I thought I was gonna get me some ass.” How can you pass by that? (By the way, Snookie is a girl.)

There was one funny moment. The “crew” was eating at a restaurant (in a slight shift from the above mentioned plot-line) and “Snookie” and “The Situation” (No kidding, that’s what he calls himself. He also bears an uncanny resemblance to Pauly Shore – which is even funnier because this is the Jersey Shore – but I digress) were arguing. When the Snookster asked someone to pass the rolls, the “Sitch” (his nickname for his nickname) says, “You already got a couple.” The funny thing is that Snookie does indeed look like a little Italian sausage, and a) she does have rolls, and b) she, like everyone else is not nearly as attractive as she thinks she is.

The other comical aspect of this show is that because the cast is almost always either drunk or in a screamingly loud bar, you can never hear them, so they have to subtitle a large portion of the show. However, since they curse so much the subtitles are almost like playing Wheel Of Fortune and often look like this: “F****r! Go f**k yourself sl*t b***h wh**e before I f*****g rip your b***s from your little d**k. You c**t.”

This may be the worst show on television…which also makes it one of the best!