Reporting, Recording and Relaying - But Always Telling It As I See It

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Because an Ordinary Moment Can Turn Romantic

“For those of you having an erection lasting longer than four hours – you’re welcome.” Stephen Colbert

If my junk mail box serves me correctly, there appears to be a huge market out there for: erectile dysfunction pills, Rolex’s, Doctorate degrees, penis elongation meds and Nigerian finance ministers with boatloads of cash to move.

I would think that in order to pursue any of these emails, you would have to jump a few hurdles that include the very real possibility that these sites are:

1. A scam to take your money.
2. A scam to steal your identity.
3. A scam to take your money and provide a bogus product.
4. A scam to infect your computer with Ebola or some other virus.
5. An opportunity to post your picture on Yahoo’s Home Page as the stupidest person on the net.

Just for fun, let’s assume that you really, really want to beat back this erectile dysfunction once and for all. You have tried all the normal courses of action including cutting back on the meth and staying away from porn for a few days before a big date. (I only heard these are the normal courses of action.)

So one night, when didn’t work (again!) you decide to go for broke and order a supply of Viagra from

Now, let’s assume that the website didn’t suck down your bank account like an overweight trucker sucks down a Slurpee and your computer didn’t catch Mad Cow Disease and that a few weeks later a little box gets delivered to your house addressed to Craven Morehead (because you still haven’t lost your sense of humor). Let’s also assume the packaging of the little blue pills is suspect at best. For instance, maybe they come wrapped in the Lifestyle section of the Istanbul Daily Times.

At this point the little experiment, to me, goes from insane to downright psychotic because now you are left with only two options. One, you can chalk this up to too much Dewar’s and flush them, or, actually ingest the fucking things.

Where are you at in life when you think, as an option to achieve arousal, you are going to take pills received in the mail with the very real possibility that they were produced from dust, chemicals and some blue turpentine? Would this person hold them in their hand and think, “Fuck it, I’m going for it,” and knock them back with a sip of mescal?

Hell, I get nervous when I go to take an Advil and I don’t remember if I took the safety seal off when I opened the box a few weeks back, or if I didn’t and someone has injected the pills with badger urine.

But who am I to judge? I have to go now, my good friend in Nigeria, the Consul General of Timeliness and Monetary Bereavement is waiting for me to wire him five grand so he can send me a third-party out of country check for $58,670,250.00USD.


Anonymous said...

Holy Shit...You made my night...I would buy your fucking book, as long as it has a day by day blog, as funny at I coulhave something to look forward to or pass on to the hub sitting on the john ( you know how you guys need to read while dumping). You are freaking hilarious. ~C~

Anonymous said...

cristmPolling? Holy shit!(Repeat of a previous post. Seems to be a common denominator!) I did not realize you were aware of Dave, Mr. Rassmussen


Dave Meyer said...

The day by day blog that I keep in my brain is more pathetic than funny, C - but thanks!