Reporting, Recording and Relaying - But Always Telling It As I See It

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Dave Has New Shoes - Reluctantly

As much as I willed the hole on the bottom (the sole?) of my shoe to self-seal through some sort of Vulcan mind trick, I knew a trip to the shoe store was inevitable. This filled me with dread in the same way, “Mr. President, Representative Boehner is on the phone,” probably fills Obama with dread.

There are few things I try to avoid as much as shopping. In fact, I don’t even view it as shopping. I view it as replacing - and replacing is usually a pain in the ass. To illustrate this, take the brakes on your car. You don’t “shop” for brakes, you “replace” brakes. And you only replace them when they go bad.

This view is diametrically opposed to that of my wife, who would have viewed this an a tremendous opportunity to not only “replace” the worn out shoes, but to add several additional pair of shoes to her Imelda Marco like collection.

Such it was that I found myself in the local shoe store. Since I “replace” and do not “shop” I walked briskly to the slip-on, black shoes that in my opinion go with everything I own. (This, so far, does not apply to shorts.) To further reduce my exposure to retail environs, I was at a self-service store. No waiting around with one shoe off while a clerk checks in back for your size. The down side to this is that you miss the opportunity to goof around with the foot measuring device while waiting for your shoes. And that foot measuring device is one complicated looking piece of equipment. It seems to have an inordinate amount of numbers and lines on it for such a simple task. It does look as if you could calculate the rate of fuel burn off for the space shuttle.

Just as I was getting frustrated looking over the vast number of choices (three), my neighbor strolled up with her two girls. She said they were “shopping” for “spring shoes.” At which point I said, “What the hell are spring shoes?” It was a women thing, I assume. My wife would have understood.

I made my decision based on one pair having something called “comfort gel for shock absorption.” This sounded really cool, like shoe Viagra. The little insert in the heel was even blue like Viagra. I really don’t see needing shock absorption, but who can say? Before I walked in there, I didn’t know there was such a thing as spring shoes.


Anonymous said...

Get new feet, a new life, and a new wife. It's the end of the world as we know it. This is from my husband. Should I take a hint?

LA Nuts book said...

Mars and Venus, dude. THEY don't get US, either.