Cosmos - I Don't Drink 'Em, But I Do Read 'Em.

In the April, 2011 issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine (“Cosmopolitan” is French for, “articles about things that will never happen to a guy”) there is a feature on the cover that caught my attention; “50 Ways to Seduce a Man (In a Minute or Less).” That title gives men too much credit since “hello” suffices.


Either way, I thought for sure the first one would be, “Honey, do you mind if I bring some of my girlfriends over so we can watch porn with you?” It was not. The ideas were, however, just as improbable. For instance, Patricia Taylor, (who has a PhD and contributes ten of the fifty suggestions) recommends “while you are out shopping together, graze your butt past his package indiscreetly but very purposefully.” The biggest problem with this isn’t the rubbing of a package, its assuming a universal truth about relationships doesn’t exist. That truth is that men and women abhor shopping together.

My wife and I don’t avoid shopping together because we don’t get along; we avoid shopping together because we know precisely HOW to get along. Shopping together usually (almost always) means that she shops while I stand around until she takes pity on me and we leave. If she is lucky, she can direct me to a bar and plop me on a barstool where I can remain contented for hours. There may not be a lot of rubbing packages, but there is a lot of me holding packages,

Even though great ideas abound in the article like “take an ice cube from his drink and slip it down your blouse, then ask him to find it,” make for good copy, they really don’t translate well into the real world. That usually translates into, “shit, I dropped that ice cube!”

So if, per chance, my wife rubbed against me while we were (or more likely weren’t) shopping, I would say, “whoops, let me get out of your way.” And let’s face it guys, “whoops, let me get out of your way” is the real key to happiness, which can lead to, “hello,” at which point, we are seduced.