Reporting, Recording and Relaying - But Always Telling It As I See It

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Class Dismissed

If you are one of the lucky few who purchased a Gillette M3Power Razor between May 1, 2004 and October 31, 2005, and managed to keep the receipt, you are in for a windfall. Turns out, you are entitled to be a member of a class action lawsuit.

Has the razor been shown to leap out of your hand and castrate you? No. Is it bad for women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant? No. Does it cause erections lasting longer than four hours? Unfortunately - no.

The lawsuit contends that Gillette’s claim that the M3P “raises or stimulates hair up and away from the skin” was “false and misleading.”

What the fuck?

What metro-sexual freak was shaving in front of his anti-fog mirror in his waterfall shower and complained about this? Our fathers shaved with rusty butter knives for Christ-sakes and someone is bitching that their razor doesn’t stimulate their whiskers? And, they think they are owed something?

I bought a weed-whacker one time that didn’t work. It was a model that was supposed to feed line when you bumped the head on the ground – as advertised. After about the third week of continued and mounting frustration over the fact that it NEVER fed out line, you know what I did? I took it on the side of the house and beat it to death. I didn’t call for a lawyer; I just needed a garbage bag.

Anyone who has ever bought their child one of those 300 piece toys they saw on TV that takes a degree in particle physics to assemble knows that things do not work as advertised. It’s the American way!

More insane is that Gillette has ponied away $7,500,000 to compensate the members of this class – the pussified victims among us. This does not include the $1.2 million set aside for the lawyers!

But the more I thought (brooded) about this, the more I realized that maybe the entire thing was a big misunderstanding. Maybe the people that bought the M3Power Razor thought they were buying a new mobile device – as the name sure as hell seems to imply. In this case, I would sue too. I mean, my Blackberry can stimulate a lot of things, but the hair on my face is not one of them.

(Visit for all of the exciting details.)

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