Reporting, Recording and Relaying - But Always Telling It As I See It

Sunday, February 13, 2011

The Case of the Vanishing (and Subsequent Return of the) Victoria's Secret Catalogue

I admit it; I am not above looking at my wife’s Victoria’s Secret catalogue. I enjoy flipping through its pages of lingerie that after fifteen years of marriage I am no longer permitted to buy. My wife contends that we really do not have the time for such things. Nonsense. For instance, we usually have a few minutes after dinner and before we do the dishes. Such suggestions are usually met with an incredulous sigh and, “is that all you think about?” Well, yes.

But yesterday, it wasn’t so much that I was looking at the VS catalogue, as much as we were looking FOR the VS catalogue. You see, our kids had some friends over (one of which just came in through the basement and up the stairs – and then into the pantry – all without knocking or otherwise acknowledging his entrance) for a sleepover. Now that they are older, this causes very little interruption in our day as long as we have sufficient cash on hand for pizza – and chicken, soda, chips and cookies – and a full box of waffles and several gallons of juice.

Anyway, I distinctly remember the VS catalogue residing on our kitchen table - where the boys were eating. For some reason, after they were finished and we had cleared the table with a front-end loader, it hit us that the catalogue was gone. This was not immediately troublesome since like most well organized homes, we have about thirty-two places in the kitchen alone that act as temporary holding places for mail, magazines, keys, cell phones, wallets and pens.

We were now missing five boys and one pseudo-soft-core porn magazine. Although I was chuckling inside, this is had to be dealt with. I’m savvy enough to know that the last thing I need is this turning up in someone’s bedroom and some mother seeing my wife’s name on it. Still, it required some tact, as twelve year old boys can be embarrassed when having to even acknowledge the very existence of parents, let alone one yelling into the game room, “Did you boys take the Victoria’s Secret catalogue?”

We quietly brought one of our boys upstairs where my wife simply asked him about the catalogue’s whereabouts. His immediate (and incriminating) response was, “I didn’t take it.” However, this didn’t stop him from disappearing and returning a few seconds later with it in his hand.

Plans foiled, he returned to the basement. As for me, I erased the browsing history from my iPad.

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