Do you know where Moldova is? Neither do I. What I do know is that somehow, this little known Republic has managed to drink itself to the top of the World Health Organization’s list of drunkest countries in the world. So what, you say, America has got to be in the top ten. After all, you religiously drink your glass of red wine with dinner. Nope, that is reserved for countries like Estonia (5) and Andorra (7) (do you know where THAT is?) But surely, we Jägerbomb drinkin’ patriots are in the top twenty. Nope. We are behind Korea (12) and Denmark (16).
Despite leading the world in intoxicated reality TV stars, we fall squarely into the fifty-seventh spot; after the U.S. Senate and Snoop’s house.
This is an unmitigated travesty. If the thought that Sarah Palin may run for President is not enough to have you knocking back a fifth of Jack Daniels every twenty-four hours, what is?
This is merely a question of motivation. It’s time to stop smelling wine and acting like you give a shit about acidity and tannins and just drink it. Stop worry about calories in your beer and whether it is a subtle hefe-ice-mango-low carb craft brew and shotgun the bastard (in fact, shotgun the entire case). Drink whiskey from the bottle and vodka over ice.
Together, in the words of our beer-summit president himself, we can “Win The Future.” If we all pitch in and get good and drunk a little more often, we can hop right over Bulgaria into that coveted 25th position. Only then will Luxembourg (21) will be directly in our sights.
(Authors note: Moldova is a tiny landlocked country in Eastern Europe, located between Romania and Ukraine (6). They clearly have no problem with motivation.)