Tweetle Dee and Tweetle Dumb

I wouldn’t dislike Twitter so much if not for the word “tweet.” Not since “chipotle” worked its way into the American lexicon have I been so utterly disturbed by the overuse of a word. As I watched the violence unfold in Cairo this weekend, I heard one newscaster say, “This all coming to us via tweets and re-tweets.” So, desperados with smart phones have co-opted our news coverage? Anonymous revolutionaries are taking time out from throwing rocks and saying, “Brother, hold this rock for me a minute, coverage picked up and I have three bars, I need to tweet something real quick!”


But can you take any of this seriously when the word “tweet” is involved? Is it me or does this sound like baby talk? (Same newscaster as above: “This all coming to us via goochy-goos and re-goochy-goos.” See, same thing.)

But none of that matters, because I seem to be the only person around who still has no idea how the hell to “follow” someone! That means I have to hear the “tweets” fourth hand on ESPN, E!, CNN, QVC, Food Network and The Gameshow Channel, all of which report these tweets like they are the butter cream roses on some under-decorated news cake.

There is a logical progression with all technology. Twitter is leading us down the inevitable road whereby one day, one eye will be replaced with an LCD screen at birth and you will be synched (with the help of a three trillion GB CPU stapled to your head) to every living human being and you will be constantly updated whenever your new friend in Rotterdam is “enjoying a caramel macchiato.” You see, you won’t have to follow them - they will follow you.